mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
