I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
