No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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