I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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