..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
