I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
