All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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