This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
