If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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