You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
