My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
