i just sent this text using only my big toe
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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