Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
