I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
