My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
