I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
