What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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