mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
40s are totally the cure
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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