In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
