Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
