Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
