Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
