I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
