please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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