I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
