this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
