yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
