My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
