Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
