Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
