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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she peed on how many people?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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