im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
