God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
