im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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