I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
