I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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