my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
