I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
