How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
