I am midnight drunk by noon
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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