I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Do vagina's smell?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
