He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
