Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
