I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
