Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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