fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
