this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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