I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
