Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
