I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
