and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
