She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
