So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
